Why not now

And I know not how to not say that those who know me, must know that I am saner than sane; but what is there to know when the country likes to hurt those who look different to the ones who come for over there; I know that I have angered some and I am Sorry; I am Sorry too that I know this secret, but how does it help to hurt us peoples so? How does it help to control the population growth, when all it does is hurt the future so? I Know Not What to Say I can go for dinner in a little while, I know not what to say here in this little diary of mine, It is sad today or not, I know not, Maybe it’s fine coz it has been sadder than this, And the lows that I have felt have gone for now, Coz there is hope that things will look up and it will not know sadness for a while, Or will it?

 I stay in a one bedroom place, The thought of going to which hurts too much, As it is quiet there without my three; Two have been there but it is not cosy, A sad place that I must go back to, And yesterday I learnt that even Meditation I can’t know too much, This as the Doctors still force feed, And, what the meditators don’t know is that meds are just used to abuse, To detain and retain the one who is more sane than the sane now!

What do I write here, I bought some books that I thought I would read, however, my ADHD is so strong now that I can hardly read two pages before I have to put the book down again; Is it ADHD or is it the fact that he made me homeless between 2018 and now.  I stayed in hotels then whose staff bullied me no end before forcing me to call 000 and report my concerns. They must have known that women, especially coloured women get taken away by the MHC just because they are worried about their children who are in the care of a man who had abused her.  I knew his angry ways and so do they but they will not complain like I do as they are afraid of those members of Australian society who like to hurt children who want to be in their mother's care. So I have stopped, too, but I have asked for help from the Chief Minister as one Barrister has written to me to say that I must not get in touch with him even though he knows the reason why I do; A Monarchy, that is what I am up against or is ...

 ...and I haven't written a thing here. A blog that sits empty as thoughts jostle for importance in this mind that would like to stay empty, devoid of all thought but the middle class of Australia will not let it be and hurts it just because the owner is his ex wife. It does not know that it is wrong to do so now, the Leader said it a while ago. So Nazis stay away from my space coz it is not too far away that time when your thoughts will not be taken lightly and words will be allowed to flow out into this world again. Perhaps the words will go silent as the thoughts will take precedence over everything else and to think will be considered a Sin but to hurt like this will be wrong and those who sin will be sent to jail and forced to do Community Service.

 I don't know whether I have written this earlier too, but what happened in 2009 is here to stay with me till the end of time, this as someone I met started to make me look at my life once again; it was wrong of me I know now coz I had three children to worry about, and, three children whose lives depended upon my every move, so I moved out and wanted all three to move in with me but they interfered, and, held them back so we could only meet for seven days every fortnight. it was sad but that is what happened and I realise now that I was evicted and forced to move out  because his family and he had had too much of my sureness. After that, in 2012, I continued my work on the physics project or was it the psychology project, Synchronicity and how it helps to know that one is not trapped and not alone, and, that there are others who think with one and support one. But then in 2014 I came across a book. Serendipity or destiny. The End of Time it is called and it does signal an end...

Today I attended the Independence Day celebrations at the High Commission of India in Canberra and asked the High Commissioner Mr Gopal Bagle whether he could bring Independence in for us Australian-Indians as well.  No reply as yet…

How do I explain what it means to be alone to my sons, they don't know that I need a life too. Find a dream, they say, as if reading out loud from a book! How do you find a dream when all of yours have been broken, And so she smiles and then asks me whether I am a friend? How can I be a friend when all she has done is tried to take all of my dreams away? It cannot happen because they are my dreams and I will live with them till the end of time, It does not happen coz God is on my side. In this country they ask, Which God,  God is one we all learnt that when we were in school, Maybe they will recognise that here too one day. It will really help as there are people here from all cultures and  backgrounds and different religions. A secular Republic will be nice to have; One in which dreams can be formed and made and turned into something real, Where I will know that it is fine to dream and to not live with broken dreams that get turned to nought one day, Where my sons w...

I am an artist who has been made alone in Canberra, Australia, my artworks thrown away and my website delimited just because I am worried about the wellbeing of my three children who were taken away from me by my ex-husband and his family here (all Indian). I am so stressed out now that I can't even read another's blog without worrying about my own worries:) Can you help by finding me? My website is www.payalsehgal.com and my email address is payalsehgal007@gmail.com. My number is +61 414 991 197.

They say that the only thing I can do now is write a poem, And so I write here… I know not what, Just a short poem; Something that will bring the memories of the future alive, Something that will make me happy once again... But they could hurt, Why would they want me to be happy, I think... So, o gods, the preserver's people, please come and help us over here, my three children and I, We are really in need of support from those who believe in Human Rights; O you lovely men and women who I have only just read about, Where art thou? My heart really longs to meet you in a pleasance, I don't have one right now but may soon, And, they will come back to me and be free of another's will.

I used to be a social researcher as well as a philanthropist who has been turned into a refugee of sorts by some business men and their partners who have forced me to become a dependent of the State.   They have taken my identity away from me by taking my art practice away from me, which is about the links between Mental Illness and Domestic Violence.  In 2019, I approached the Vice Chancellor of the ANU, a Physicist, with my project. However, instead of the yes that I was hoping for, I received a letter in my inbox from the legal department of the ANU saying that were I to contact anyone about my project they would start a legal case against me. I got scared and went silent. I wish instead that I had been braver and told others about my project but COVID also struck after a while and I got busy with my children who had also been taken away from me by my ex-husband and his family, something that they can't do in India anymore but they did use their contacts here to make me tot...

I don't know how to know, so they tell me, However, I can know when they know coz they are my children; I can also know when he knows coz he is my ex-husband; I can also know when they know coz they were my inlaws for almost 20 years; Can you help me please then, As my three are really tired and say, please, when will we be together to me all the time, This they do by meeting me as often as they can and talking to me when they can, The MHC does know too and asks me to go to DVCS and Relationships Australia with them, Which I can't as their father won't let them. Can you help me please, I will be grateful, The NGA knows of me but won't know there for me as Mental Illness is Sacrosanct; The ANU knows too but it is the same over there too as there are finances involved; What should I do now and so I ask you,  As I hope that you will be able to open the case which was closed in 2017, By the Member for Canberra as we sit alone over here and hope once more that that which ...

I am a mother of three,  And, I live in Canberra but I am not free; I have lost four teeth asking for my Rights and lost my seventh tooth a year or two ago; I have Dementia now like a number of Musicians have in this city,  So I ask you whether you can please bring my sons back to me, I will be grateful;  And I will explain to you why in a little while; I ask you for help as all of my children and I are Autistic and low on Fe and Vit D but High Achievers; And, also as I don't know why but no one in the ACT replies to my emails now; Even Leanne, who argued for my Rights and questioned Michael, the Minister for Multicultural Affairs last year -  why my three sons were not with me, Even she has stopped writing to me; Can you please find out why this is happening coz Andrew is my ex-husband's friend's friend and he has suggested that he can't for me probably as there is not enough money with me over here in Australia as mine is all over there; I ...

What to write  a common refrain what to say know not but it says something something that I must know you by something that one knows but knows not that one can know and say no to the rest of the world. say yes or no, but that would be cruel now how to say yes though when the nays have been stronger for ages now it ends at a note that is sad but it could not also end and that will be nice, nicer than the thought that says that it is wrong to know not but know not why it is wrong to know when it is wrong to know not.

I am scared and I don't know why.  These women, they really stalk and they still think that I am their friend.  I am scared but not because of them. They twist and they turn and they fly and they squirm and they scream non stop I think and I know but not because of them. And it goes now the thought that was with me but just a little while ago And I think not that they will not not come back but that it is a given that they will now. They are many and we only four Some think that I should not not know  And most agree with the thought  And so I still lose my patience every now and then  And then those who can know from a distance  Get upset and take their protection away from me, ie us Don't. I get upset but it is not because of you but it is because of what is happening to me and to all four of us right now in this mind space  I think not and I would like to  To just know that silence again With them there beside me as we used to sit around th...

It happens when one thinks too much, words escape one's memory and no one knows what to do on the computer. Another day of what one should write here, especially as they are allowed to be witches and fly around on broomsticks while I have been told that I can't even know my own children's grief and suffering as they are with a man who is so generous that he could put Bill Gates to shame.  But is he that good? So good, so sacrosanct his relationship with the State that no one can put an iota of blame on him. Or is he? He is not, he says and I repeat, at the risk of sounding mad as I just mumble to myself all the time now, just don't even talk to anyone anymore, just no one to listen to me, no one to go and say hello to, no one to shake hands with either sometimes, as if its the shaking of hands that brings people close together! But no one to know really... And the sun just came out and shone down upon me. Gosh this is a sign, something good could be happening soon, or c...

I was born in 1972 however, I could not know another's thoughts until 2015 And this was in Canberra, which I was brought to in 1996. Had I been in India I would have known another a long time ago But I was really Depressed over here as I was not in love with the man who I was married to  So I started to live away from him even though we had three children from the marriage. This is called Depression and the release of Depressing thoughts is called Psychosis, or is it Depressed thoughts and Repressed Emotions - this was in 2009 for me but it was not diagnosed! until 2015, And it is called a Mental Illness to know that all living beings think and know like they say in the Gita I don't know the bible but I have heard that It says it too. I used to write with an Italian Diplomat who is now in Victoria and it was sad but real as they all got together to kill me but now I am being tagged by strangers who evicted me from some hotels and were rude to my children and I. However, it is j...

I could write something today but I know not what maybe just a lullaby or maybe a poem that I could read to them later  when they are with me. come now, my sons, coz it is time to and you are older too: come back to me now I wait for you three to know that it is fine to know when no one knows anything but the one who brought you into this world all alone at times and without a father who could be there for you when I was alone...so know that it is fine to know your Mother coz this is how the world works - know your Mother and you will know the whole wide world too.

 I am really tired of so-called thinkers who have never even been to school. Dimaag kharab kar dete hai yeh log. I have been suggesting to them that nothing will happen to them if they let go of my children now but they just won't know. Know now, because, Child sex abuse laws will be brought into the country by all parties and it is they who will look after those who have been abusing Minors by letting the Mother get abused. The election is upon us and the leaders are debating whether equality is a basic human right or not - there are men and women who really interfered with my life when I had to stay in hotels and who just won't know that it is wrong to think with guests and take their peace of mind away from them. It is a big offence that people like them are committing by interfering with the lives of others. International law will come into the country and then they will know that it is not good to gossip about those who are being abused.  Our children have been taken away...

 He left me all alone or was it I who made him alone. Who will know, who can tell but the conscience. It is not a nice feeling to be alone in this cold and dreary place. The children have gone they have a life but I don't.  What is the reason for my being if not for all those who have lost their families to grief and desolation.

 I start afresh. I don't know what to write. I think not but I still know. What is it that I know. It is only I who knows this as they who think that they can know me only know me on this blog or social media. They know not that I know myself more and that I will not know those who think that they can know me more than I can.