2023

It is now 2023. The leaves are still as are the branches of the trees above. The frost has given them an eerie sense of stillness. The sun has risen up though and would soon be thawing at their hearts and life will then be able to flow through them again. I look at them and wonder what the point of life really is, especially if all of us need a sun, which is hidden from view, however which can still come into our lives and give it nourishment. How to find that sun, the one which one could orbit around and get sustenance from; an impossible dream sometimes.

The sound of him coughing ripped through the quiet night. It came once, was followed by another, its echo and then all went silent. I stirred once, opened my eyes and then as if in a trance, shut them again. It had been nothing, all was quiet. I lay listening to the sounds of the night though; the clock in the other room continued its periodic ramblings, tick-tock; a broken toy whirred in the dark somewhere before going silent again. The reflection of a night light glimmered off the floor. My eyes moved up to the ceiling. There was nothing to be seen in the dark. There was not much to see even when day light filled the room. Bare, because we were still in the process of collecting our memories, old and new, busy as we had been nurturing young lives. The young ones stirred the memories with their questions and their insatiable curiosity about the lives of their parents, us. 

The sun has risen higher up in the sky. It is still cold, the chill running through the leaves of the agapanthus plants, however, they have begun to look a little less frozen now and the day is starting to look a little hopeful. The sky is clear & blue and the air is still, giving all plants and trees a sculpted look. They are placed there on the grass as if on a green plinth: first the flower-less agapanthi, then the green hedge, backed by a galvanised iron fence and the leafless winter trees in the background. There is a fruit tree here in the neighbour’s garden, which, in autumn, drops its fruit in this garden. The fruit which looks like a fig, is always thrown into the garden half eaten. Once one almost hit me on my head as I bent over the lawn while picking up dried leaves. That was back in autumn. It is now winter and no one has the heart to clean the backyard up, so cold has it become.

There were three of them and they used to create quite a ruckus as they would run around the house and out into the courtyard, shouting with glee as they climbed the apricot tree or the trampoline. It was going to be short lived though, their happiness. We had decided to separate and sell this house with its large backyard, which had ample space for children to run about in. The children did not know this though. That would have to happen for them to know what it would mean for them and would take another six months or so now. 

I sat there with a cup of tea in my hand and watched them from the kitchen window as they jumped around in the backyard. I followed each one with my eyes, one now jumping on the trampoline and the other two up the tree. Why were we thinking of selling this place and move into an apartment, although he had made his mind up and once he had done that it was very difficult to change him and so I didn’t want to try even. I had been warned by his mother that I would not be able to take the children away from him, however, the prospect of it did not faze me and this because I was sure that my mother’s rights would be respected by others in the country and I would be able to look after the children for longer than seven nights a week. 

It took six months to find a buyer for the house. Just under a million dollar mark, that is what he wanted and he got it. I was pleased as well. Only I did not know that he was going to take my share of the money away from me and make me the state’s dependent in a few years’ time. So we sold the house and moved into an apartment complex near the children’s school and began to argue about our rights routinely now and when my sister called one day to say that they were coming over I was really relieved. 

The cordless phone in the room was quiet when I next looked at it. It was going to be good to see my sister and brother-in-law again and I would be able to explain to them in person why I wanted out of this marriage and live alone for a while with just my three children to care for. I did not even wonder whether he was planning to cheat me when he began to show us his excessive ways and bought expensive things just to please himself.

The car woke up with a start, grumbled slightly and began to run as he settled into the drivers’ seat. Two children were in the back seat and one in the front, in the passenger seat next to him. He was taking them to his parents’ place. His parents lived with his younger brother, his wife and their two children around twenty minutes’ drive away, good company for my three children. That is what I used to think, however, I was wrong, for unbeknownst to me they were conniving to take them away from me and this by using the 50/50 care arrangement. They were bonding with my children like they had never bonded before, not that they needed to as their house was the children’s second home. He had given me an ultimatum and which was that were I to leave him I would never be able to rent a place ever again. I had not paid any heed to that either and began to tell my friends that I was going to separate from him. 

I stood on the balcony and looked down at the street below. It was a Sunday and the school was quiet. I could see some of the tops of the trees running along the crescent shaped street. It was going to be lonely without the children but he had made a habit of this now, he would just take them away from me on one pretext or another now. What could I do? 

The sun has risen higher up in the sky and the leaves have melted although the still air has given everything a frozen look again. The garden is split into two unequal halves, one, which is lit up by the sun and the other which is still in the dark, a shaded life which has been unable to look after itself and has grown accustomed to being led around. So the leaves here are still frozen and have not thawed as well as the others, ie the ones in the sunbathed part of the garden, have. 

The street outside was also quiet although the sounds of cars bustling by broke the silence every now and then. I walked with a purposeful gait although my life was pretty aimless now, not that I knew it as yet. I was going to get ripped off but I had no idea that that was going to happen. I had so many plans for myself, things to do which I had been taking note of since the day I had met him but had never really gotten a chance to do, to carry out and all because he was someone who was always out and about and would expect me to be there as his friend, with him, regardless of whether there was any housework to do or not or whether there were any deadlines to meet or not. Although, he would help too whenever he would want to so it was difficult to complain. And so, for now he had made my children his friends again and taken them away, but it was a Sunday and I couldn’t really complain.

Evening brought the three children back and into my arms. It was always such a relief to see them, especially when he had taken them away after we had had an argument of sorts. 

When the music teacher came to the apartment to teach them how to play the guitar during the week, I pretended that all was well between my husband and I, which wasn’t difficult because the teacher used to arrive before the end of the work day when he would not be at home. The teacher would later turn against me and take his side as it was my husband who used to pay his bills and he had made it a point to bond with the teacher by returning from work early each time. 

The galahs trot on the gravel, five of them, eating worms or the weeds, I know not. I should have looked but I am always in a real hurry to get somewhere now, don’t know where. This afternoon it is to get back to the house but I could have waited and enjoyed the birds a little bit more. 

Only one child will come over for dinner today. One is still at the coast with his friend and her family and the other who is now prone to seizures does not want to come over that much anymore and all because he has made a pact with his dad to not support me much. 

The Earth does not know that it is being eaten away, or maybe she does, which is why the weather patterns have changed so much. We are in the middle of winter but the day has been warm, as warm and pleasant as an autumn day. Its strange, climate change is upon us and we know it but what are we doing to change our ways. People still continue to hurt the woman, the compost maker, recycler and nurturer of the household. And guess who hurts in the process, but the future, our children, who know not anymore how important it is to respect the Earth’s ways. 

I am lucky with my three and that we are all still alive and well, although one is so afraid of his father now that he won’t say anything against him and the other is now in awe of his father’s friends whose daughter he is going out with. The third is going through a nice phase where he misses me the most and comes over for dinner whether his brothers are there or not. We had pumpkin & chick pea curry with daal and vegies. It was really delicious.

The twins have their birthday today and I have invited four of their friends over. It is nice to see them have so much fun. I don’t remember much about the day. I am sad, however, I have been like this since a sudden illness took my mother away from us a year ago. So I hide the sadness and we all have a really good time. 

And today is the eldest’s formal. He is all dressed up to go to it. Looks cool and dapper as his father says who has dressed him up to look like his mini self, mini me, the ominous one. But mine looks sweet and a little unsure of himself, which is good in a child. Children should never be too sure of themselves, I used to say, although in hindsight, I think that I was wrong and it is good when a child is sure of himself. 

The leaves stand still again, there is no wind to make them move either this way or that. The sun is out, however, the warmth which it appears to spread is deceptive. I sit inside with the heating on and type away on this laptop, which is mine now but not really mine as it was sent to me by two friends from overseas. It is still theirs although they have given it to me. Hopefully, I will be able to repay the debt. They sent it to me because I told them that mine had been broken into and non functional now and I was scared and lonely here, which is the truth. Another friend also loaned some money to me and lives within the country. How will I ever repay their debt, even thought all three have suggested that it is fine and that I should not worry about repaying them for now.

My sister and her family flew over from Singapore. It is October or November 2011. Maybe a little earlier, maybe a little later. The table looked nice as it sat there with the Indian meal which I had made for them. My niece is really particular about what she eats and I am ready to pamper her and make simple pea rice with yoghurt and lentils. They come from the airport and after a short while all sit down to have the meal. He was just fine with them all and it is as if nothing has happened between us, no anger, no fights, not even a cold look. They were there for only a week or so and the week passes by quickly.

Later we sit and talk about my troubles. I should not have, I know now, because they knew everything. Everyone practices yoga and is a better healer and meditator than I am. When I cry with my sister and say to her that I was really unhappy living like this, she consoles me and says to me that she is fine were I to want to leave him and separate from him, however, I will have to stop arguing with him and to not fight with him over money. My father had also said the same thing to me, so I agree. It was wrong of me, the money is my children’s too. And so, by letting go of it, I have wronged them totally. And now he has been abusing them since 2012, for over 11 years now. And they are so used to getting abused that they don’t even see it as abuse. I can’t hurt them even and ask them whether he bullies them because then they go quiet and stop wanting to see me. Although one smiles. I am in a conundrum. 

Today I have to go out, however, not before the clothes have dried. The tumble dryer makes a noisy sound in the background as it tumbles the clothes dry. I wonder if it knows that soon it will be time for me to go. The tv sits silent and so does the kettle, which was boiling only a short while ago. I don’t know whether I have the courage to fight for my rights anymore. I really need help but don’t know how to ask for help anymore as my eldest says no to everything that I say now and so do my younger two. My father has not touched me physically, he says. I know that he is being untruthful, however, I don’t know how to make him change. And so they medicate me for a Schizoaffective disorder and even suggest to the Tribunal that I am giving my ex husband and his friend a bad name. My ex husband and his friend have discarded all of my furniture, and which has made me angry, how could any woman in her right mind not give such people a bad name. The police won’t note my concerns anymore and everything has been labelled a mental illness in a really sad way.