The Voice

I begin this note with a quote:

“If you hear a voice within you say, “You cannot Paint,” then by all means paint and that voice will be silenced” - Vincent Van Gogh

Vincent had a Mental Illness and which was that he could hear voices. I probably read this in the NGA or I could have also read it in my sister’s books when I was in year 11. A Voice once asked him to cut one of his ears off and he did.

But he was an amazing artist as most know now and tried to keep the Voice that used to bully him at bay, especially, when he was painting.

I, for one, started to paint and sculpt when I was in primary school and could probably draw before that too. I also started to sing, probably when I started to talk and this as my mother was a singer. 

I have now been assessed with a Schizoaffective disorder and am being treated for Voices & visions that used to reveal distressing truths to me (!) and I am on medication. My three sons have been entrusted into the care of my ex husband and his family. My eldest tells me that he is on anticonvulsive medication and is tired all the time. 

No one, throughout my 23 yrs in India, thought with me in such a way that would make me want to harm myself but since 2001 when I began to stay at home after the birth of my younger two, I began to hear a Voice that would say that I was not good and had to ignore it for a long time. And it used to be distressing. Art used to help then. Fast forward till 2007 when I decided to go back to University again.

And then, in 2010, in which, after the sudden and untimely passing away of my mother I thought of letting go of life as well. And the only thing that helped me was the thought that I had three lovely sons who would miss me immensely. And so I decided to push that thought aside and focus on positive things and of course the most important thing was that there were three little sons who needed caring for and still do.

The Voice came back in 2020 and it has again been difficult since then and I am homeless in a strange kind of way. This as I do stay in a furnished one bedroom studio but where it is cold & dreary and all I do is cook & clean & go for walks.

The medication has helped me as I can sleep again and the Voice can’t hurt me anymore but it does hurt my sons because they think that we are all just hearing voices now and one has lost touch with reality.